Boundaries and Assertiveness

Boundaries are our own personal limits and rules that we put in place between ourselves and others to keep ourselves safe. They can look differently for everyone but some common ones are: Saying no, asking for space, communicating discomfort and privacy.

We might have different boundaries for different people. For example, you might be okay with hugging a friend but not be okay hugging a family member.

There are 6 main types of boundaries:

Physical – These include your needs for personal space, your comfort with touch and your physical needs like needing to rest, eat food and drink water. A healthy physical boundary might sound like “I am not a big hugger. I am a handshake person”.

Emotional – This is about respecting and honouring feelings and energy. A healthy emotional boundary might sound like “I really can’t talk about that right now. It isn’t the right time”.

Time – Your time is valuable. Setting time boundaries means understanding your priorities and setting enough time aside without over committing. A healthy time boundary might sound like “I can’t come to that event this weekend”.

Sexual – Healthy sexual boundaries include consent, agreement, respect and understanding. A healthy sexual boundary might sound like “is this comfortable for you?”.

Intellectual – This refers to your thoughts, ideas and curiosity. A healthy intellectual boundary may sound like “I can respect that we have different opinions on this”.

Material – This refers to items and possessions like your home, car, clothing, money. It is healthy to understand what you can and cannot share. This might sound like “Sure! I am happy to share my dress with you. Just a heads-up I do need it back by Friday”.

There are many reasons why people find it difficult to assert their boundaries. You might fear disappointing someone or worry that they won’t like you. Guilt can play a role, especially if you’ve never said “no” before, or you may be concerned that setting boundaries will upset the other person or jeopardise your relationship. In some cases, pressure or threats from others can make it hard to stand firm, while fear of their reaction can lead to avoidance. You may also feel unsure about whether boundaries are necessary in the first place.

It can be difficult to put boundaries in place with some people, but the key is to be as assertive as you can. Assertiveness is being able to stand up for yourself or someone else in a calm way. If you are assertive, you are able to express your own thoughts, feelings and concerns whilst still respecting the other person.

When setting boundaries and being assertive, it’s important to be clear and honest with yourself about what you want. If you’re not used to prioritising your own needs or saying no, it may feel uncomfortable at first, but remember that thinking about yourself isn’t unkind or selfish. Give yourself time if needed by saying, “Let me think about it, and I’ll get back to you.” Keep your response simple, avoid over-apologising or over-explaining, and use “I” statements to express your feelings.